Dark Rainbows
She caught on… I wanted her but I also didn’t. It was like my eyes were clear and all the feelings I felt when I first saw her weren’t there anymore. She became ordinary in my eyes. Why? Why was I so quick to let her leave? Wasn’t she enough for me? Is something wrong with me? Don’t I love her anymore? I could hear her sobbing in the next room, and I’m pretty sure she could hear mine.
Her kiss on my forehead snaps me away from my thoughts, ‘Bye Tee’. Can I do this? Can I actually do this?… I held her by the leg burying my face in.
‘Bells please’. I was holding tight because... just because I didn’t want this reality of us fighting and not being together real.
‘we can’t do this anymore’, she replies pushing me away.
Could we not do this anymore? Six years — the best of my youth. Bell and I had been together since our early twenties and were about to enter our lates. She was the only one I had envisioned marriage and life’s aftermaths with, the only one I had introduced to my parents even with the whole lesbian debacle, and the only one I had concluded on.
Bang!! I turn my head to see her on the floor. Did she fall? Goddamn, I’ve been overthinking again. Let me help her out.
I make my way in her direction but she stops me. ‘I don’t want your help’. So cuz she’s moving out, I can’t help her?…
‘why? why don’t you want my help?’
I’m met with silence.
She continues dragging her bags out the door and pushes me aside. ‘Bells…. why don’t you…?’
‘You don’t hurt me…us…and think that you can just beg or help your way back into this’, she cuts in pushing me aside.
Did I really hurt us?… I mean I wasn’t thinking about hurting us when it happened. I just wanted to enjoy the moment with someone else… just to run away from the bad feelings I couldn’t figure my way out of. We had had an argument about something I couldn’t even remember now, but it was so bad that I had to leave the house immediately. All I could think of was how angry she made me feel and how only Issa could calm me down. I called and things escalated into sex… Fuck!!!!!!
‘Fuck!!!…. I said sorry and I’m ready to go into therapy because…’
‘But this isn’t the first time, is it Tee?’ Was she staring into my soul? But she knows I didn’t mean the others right? This was just the third time… Fuck! just three in six years.
‘I apologized, you mean a lot to me Bells. I think I have an addiction…. I’m ready to change for us.’
‘But that’s what you said last time… and the one before right?’.
‘But this time is different now, you should know that now’
‘I don’t Tee. Explain to me how this is different this time because we had an argument this time and you went to your ex…. your ex Issa!!’ She echoed the ‘ex’ really loud. She heaved a deep sigh and continued ‘Issa… the one you told me hurt you and you wanted nothing to do with her. The last was a random girl from the bar…. When does it really end Tee?’
We had talked about this… I couldn’t give her a straight answer then, can’t even now.
When does it end? I don’t know… Am I even sure it ends? 2013–2015 was my carefree era — I didn’t care about loyalty to anyone or anything but I fell so hard for Bells that I was willing to overlook my want for an open relationship. She also didn’t support it so I threw it away.
But here I was…
The sound of the car from the garage shifts me away from my thoughts again, the sound of her car revving. What did I do? What did I do?? What have I done???
So this was it — Six years of love, tears, and everything peaceful. I tried to curb my wants for her and I couldn’t. The tears couldn’t stop now — they were inevitable at this point.
Was I happy now? Was this what I really wanted? I did feel a huge relief but I was heartbroken.
I wanted her, I had her and I lost her.
Written by Tosin ❤
